Things I Can't Say to Table Six

About this book

The holiday gift for the person who says “Of course!” with a smile and means something else entirely.

Servers, bartenders, hosts and line cooks all speak two languages: what they are thinking, and what they are allowed to say. Things I Can’t Say to Table Six translates between the two, one guest check at a time.

What’s inside

• 150 guest checks in 10 sections: seating and the host stand, ordering, allergies and substitutions, the bar, splitting the check, tips (and the pen situation), campers, the kitchen, brunch, and holidays and parties of twelve
• Every check has three lines: what the guest said, what I wanted to say and what I actually said (the polite, keep-your-job version)
• 10 Table Six Specials: a full-page, oversized check at the end of each section, for the table the whole staff is still talking about at closing
• Server Bingo: 2 lists of 24 things that happen on nearly every shift, one for the dining room and one for the kitchen and bar
• Guest Species Field Guide: 12 types of guest, from the Camper to the Snapper
• Restaurant-to-English Dictionary: 30 industry terms, from “86” to “in the weeds,” finally explained to your family
• A 14-item Closing Side Work list: everything a server does before going home

Why it makes a good gift

• A Secret Santa, stocking stuffer or thank-you for anyone who has carried your plates, poured your drinks or survived your party of twelve
• Kind, never cruel: the jokes are about moments, not about people. Allergies are always taken seriously.
• PG, with no bad language and no brand names. Safe for the break room, and for the manager.
• Written for the whole crew: front of house, the bar and the kitchen

Give it to the server who just worked a double, the bartender who has heard every pun twice, the line cook who says “Heard!” in their sleep, or the host who guards the seating chart like a dragon.

Send it to their phone in time for the holiday rush, and tell them to read one check before every shift.

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